From the Anonymous Southern White Woman to Monsanto: ‘Sit down, Sh*tasses!’

| May 29, 2013

You may remember the Anonymous Southern White Woman from her Glittersnipe debut earlier this month when she so eloquently invited her home state of South Carolina to kiss her “motherfucking ass,” or ten days later when she told Abercrombie and Fitch that y’all suck!

We are pleased to welcome her back with a brand-new rant — so without further ado, here is her unedited, unvarnished, unleashing on Monsanto.


Dear Monsanto Motherfuckers,

Do you actually eat the fucking cyborg food you grow? Do you feed it to your kids? I bet you don’t. I bet you shitasses have a nice little plot of farm land where you grow organic, or at least non-mutant, produce for you and your loved ones. And who could blame you, right? I mean, you know what’s in that shit. No way are you going to let someone you care about ingest all of those toxic chemicals engineered into food. That’s just for the people that you don’t care about. Clearly.

Y’all must sit around backslapping and whooping it up that so many Americans have taken you at your word that genetically modified food is safe. What a gas, right? It’s kind of  like what you assholes said about Agent Orange in the Vietnam War. No, go on, boys. Go ahead and spray that shit to defoliate the Vietnamese jungles and kill the farmers’ crops. You’ll be fine! And years later, the spike in cancer in those same veterans, and the curious uptick in miscarriages and deformed babies their wives experienced, was all just an unfortunate coincidence. And that’s to say nothing of Vietnam whose people and ecology are still affected by poisoned soil and water, and ravaged by sickness and deformity. Yet, you scumlickers deny culpability even today. Congratulations, it really doesn’t get any lower than that.

Remember that scene in E.T. where the bad guy scientists invaded Elliot’s house because they wanted to inspect the alien inside? They were all wearing haz-mat suits, kind of like your bad guy scientists. The question is: why would your guys need to wear fucking haz-mat suits to tend to your crops? That’s not the typical farm attire, no? What is it that you are putting in our food that you don’t want to inhale or contact your skin? I’m going to assume it’s glyphosate-based Round-Up, your herbicidal show pony. What’s scary is that your seeds have been bio-engineered to resist the weed-killing poison in Round-Up. And we’re expected to ingest those poison-resistant plants? Thanks, but I’ll pass on your Optimus Prime produce.

It would be all fine and good if you just left it at that. I’m sure there’s a market niche for Frankenbeans somewhere (like maybe those people that have weird things surgically implanted in their body, to look like horns and shit). But you didn’t. You had to go and sue farmers: Seriously, who does that? You sue them for “patent infringement” for reusing seeds from one planting season to the next–a practice that has been common in farming for generations. To top it off, your super seeds don’t even deliver what you promise. Nature has a way of outsmarting us, and your bionic seeds have only resulted in stronger weeds and pests which means even more fucking pesticides and herbicides are required. Excellent foresight, assholes.

This in turn, drives up the cost of working with these seeds, and even still the crops often fail. In places like India where farmers are forced to use your shitty expensive seeds and pesticides, the farmers often find themselves in extreme debt when the crops fail. One study estimates that 150,000 Indian farmers have killed themselves in the past ten years after they met such financial ruin. I could continue with a litany of appalling preferences for profit over humanity made by your corporation over the last 100 years but then I would just be reinventing fucking Wikipedia and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Speaking of Wikipedia, I see that your Chairman and CEO is Hugh Grant. I admit to an audible gasp when I read that. “That Hugh Grant?” I thought. I mean, he is kind of cheeky in an adorable, fumbling way. And of course, he did cheat on Elizabeth Hurley with that hooker way back when, but at least he’s not poisoning 70% of our food supply. So in retrospect, he looks a lot better than your Hugh Grant, who I imagined as an evil scientist stroking his beard in his underground lair, but in actuality, is just a bald asshole who buys congressmen.

But you’ve done it this time. Sneaking in that corporate loophole, which protects genetically engineered crops from judicial review, into that critical spending bill a couple of months ago, was incredibly ballsy. It was also just the slap that we Americans needed to wake the fuck up and stop you poisonous fucks from making it even more difficult to avoid your toxic food. On May 25th, two million people around the world gathered together to stand up against your abusive practices, and the real threat that Monsanto poses against our health and our planet.

Monsanto made eleven billion dollars in revenue last year (that’s a lot of fucking seeds!). But the untold global repercussions from your greed, and your neglect for simple cause and effect human suffering cost us a great deal more. I’m not sure that I believe in Hell but if I did, it would be Dante’s model, and you would fitsquarely in the 8th circle of “Fraud and Treachery”. However, with this recent inflamed civic response, it gives me hope that hell might just be coming to you. And it’s about damn time.

Hand me my hemp sandals–this shit just got real!


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