From the Anonymous Southern White Woman: ‘Abercrombie & Fitch, Y’all Suck!’

| May 13, 2013

When we took a detour from our normal programming and published the now-famous letter from an anonymous  white woman from South Carolina, we had no idea that it would go viral. Just a week prior we published a list of our fifteen most popular articles for our first anniversary — if we’d tallied the web hits a few days later, however, the Anonymous White Woman from South Carolina would have placed third. The letter was so popular that it even even crashed Glittersnipe‘s server several times.

We have since received additional rants from other readers including more on Mark Sanford, President G.W. Bush, and others, but the best one of the lot was again from Anonymous White Woman from South Carolina, who by the way, has been following your comments with bated breath.  So without further ado, please welcome back Anonymous Southern White Woman’s “open letter” to Abercrombie & Fitch’s CEO Michael Jeffries:

Dear Mr. Jeffries,

Is it okay if I call you Mutton–as in mutton dressed up as a spring lamb? As in, a fucking 68 year old man who is desperately trying to look like Ryan Gosling or some poor man’s Channing Tatum or some other vapid Hollywood hunk I give nary a shit about.

Mutton, I’m going to assume that your background isn’t fucking public relations. You may have noticed that you incited the pitchforked mob recently, with that statement you made, about how Abercrombie & Fitch only makes clothes for beautiful, thin people. I mean, let’s face it, that’s pretty fucking obnoxious, especially coming from someone who looks like Rocky Dennis doing his best to look like Gary Busey. Seriously, you are creeping into Jocelyn Wildenstein territory here, and you need to dial it the fuck back.

When you said that you didn’t “market to anyone” other than “cool good-looking people” a great many people took offense to your elitist, callous comments. And when they saw that your head looks like a tube sock full of rocks all hell broke loose!

Let me tell you something, mister–we have a saying here in South Carolina—“before you come in my house and tell me that my kitchen is untidy, your own kitchen had better be clean.” Well, honey I’ve got news for you–your kitchen is fucking nasty.

And let me ask you this—you said that you refuse to carry XL or XXL clothing in your stores. Well how the hell do you get your enormous head through those damn tee shirts? You necklines must be stretched out so damn wide that it looks like your heading to a midnight showing of “Flashdance”.

I’d love to go all Julia Sugarbaker on you, Mutton but I don’t even have the strength. But hey, keep on pretending like it’s 2007 and Abercrombie & Fitch is still relevant. Keep on making the “imperfect” people feel small through whatever James Spader-wannabe role you’ve cast yourself in. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

But I just read that you have the crew on your private plane play “Take Me Home” by fucking Phil Collins on every returning flight. Seriously, Mutton? No amount of Botox, derma filler, Frost-n-Tips highlighter kits, or flip flops-with-jeans combo is going to spin that as young or hip.  I mean, really, do you follow that Phil Collins song with a fucking VHS tape of “The Milton Berle Show”?   

Get the hell over your hateful self, Mutton–


PS–Abercrombie & Fitch, y’all suck!


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Category: Featured, Opine

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