From an Anonymous White Woman to South Carolina: ‘Kiss My M’f*ckin’ Ass’

| May 8, 2013

In our 361 days of publishing quality reporting, which has been edited and copy edited and researched to hell and back, we have only published one other unedited “open letter.” This one,  from a mother in South Carolina could not be ignored. She wrote us asking if she could write an open letter expressing her anger about the recent election in her home state, and we promised we’d take a look at it — well, we couldn’t resist; we loved it.

Here is the unvarnished, unpolished, wholly unedited letter from a mad-as-shit South Carolinian.

Dear Fellow South Carolinians of the First District,

What the fuck are you people thinking? Mark Sanford, really? Way to keep us in the running, as the shitass craziest state of the nation. One more fuck-up like this and we’ll surpass even Florida  — home of child killers, cannibals and roach eaters! The “Palmetto State”, my ass. I think the “Facepalm State” is becoming increasingly more accurate here.

I have to hand it to you though–go big or go home, right?  On the same ballot where you elected Mark Sanford, that two-timing turd, you also voted–by a majority of 65%, no less–to protect the sanctity of marriage from scary gay people. Why shart quietly when you can shit the whole bed, am I right? The irony is intoxicating and it makes me puke.

We all know that South Carolina is a conservative bastion–no Democrat has won here in 30 years. Elizabeth Colbert Busch had the qualifications, ran a strong campaign and was leading Sanford in the polls late into the campaign. Realizing that Sanford couldn’t beat Colbert Busch, one-on-one, he had to invoke the name of that Satanist Minx, Nancy Pelosi as the straw man to gain traction. And with all of the cognitive skills of Pavlov’s dogs, you clownfuckers fell for it.

Where is the outrage of 1998, when the Clinton administration was nearly tanked over a blow job? And who was leading the charge in the furor against Clinton’s infidelity back then? None other than fucking white Grimace, himself, Newt Gingrich–you know, that other adulterous goat diddler that you elected as Republican presidential nominee last year.

So what gives, South Carolina? Is this insanity a cry for help or is it, more likely, a stunt for more attention? Were we paying too much attention to Mississippi again? You’re like the pretty blonde with the dazzling smile that boils the pet rabbit at the first hint of rejection.

And don’t pretend like this recent spate of cray-cray is a fluke, either. We also have you to thank for Joe “You lie!” Wilson, and racist hypocrite Strom Thurmond who fathered a child with his parents’ 16 year old black housekeeper. “There’s not enough troops in the army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the Nigra race into our theaters, into our swimming pools, into our homes, and into our churches” But you’re totally down with porking them ain’t ya, eh, Strom?

There is much to love about South Carolina: the food, the gentility of its people, the mellifluous accent, and we can certainly appreciate colorful characters. We dig eccentricity! But hypocrisy is unbecoming, and so is stupidity in the face of facts.

Too bad Congressman-elect Sanford won’t be able to luxuriate in the after-glow of his win. He’ll be tied up in court defending the charge of trespassing onto his ex-wife’s property. I wonder if he’ll repay the state of South Carolina the money he used for his Argentinian booty call. Surely he will because he’s all about “family values” and responsible government spending.

I just snorted mint julep through my nose!  You know what, First District? All y’all can kiss my motherfucking ass– that’s right, all y’all ignorant motherfuckers!!

A Formerly Proud South Carolinian


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Comments (2)

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  1. Folderol says:

    The sad part here is, the letter-writer may – or may not – have a legitimate position and solid argument to make. I can’t tell. If she were as fluent in English as she is in profanity, a point might have gotten across. While I can stand back and applaud such a well-crafted stream of swear-words, when it comes to a cogent argument, I prefer points and facts and opinions, delivered with passion. A torrent of incredibly creative NC-17 commentary, well, it may make you internet-famous, but realistically it carries about the same weight as that infamous University of Maryland sorority e-mail. Funny? Sure. Interesting? Of course. Effective? Hardly.

    As a transplanted Yankee (New York to Virginia to South Carolina, in equal parts), there are plenty of things about South Carolina that make one cringe. To this day, some clubs and bars use the “membership required” rules to not-so-subtly keep their membership white; there are Sunday “blue laws” throughout the state that’s very existence is the antithesis of the separation of church and state; there are deep divisions evident racially, socially and by gender. All of that, though, comes from a past that is American in nature, not necessarily southern or South Carolinian. While equality comes in steps, some tiny, some a bit larger,and the country overall has made slow steady progress towards “enlightenment”, obviously there is work still to be done and not just in the south. I can say I have known New Yorkers far more racist than any South Carolinian. What the south has, the albatross that hangs from its (red?) neck, is the Confederacy. While slavery was a part of the southern platform that led to secession, it was by no means the whole platform. But history is written by the victors, and when simplifying something as complicated as the Civil War for elementary school kids to digest, it’s just easier to say “The Evil South wanted slavery; that’s why we fought the Civil War.”

    It is easy to sit back and slam South Carolina for it’s failures; there are many. But are there more than, say, Florida, or California, or my own beloved New York? Of course not. South Carolina has its successes and failures much like any other state. Think Sanford is screwed up? Look into any number of Louisiana politicians; check out DC Mayor Marion Barry. There are literally thousands of tragi-comically rendered political lives one can find in ten minutes on Google.

    What I DO get from the letter writer is, she is very much out of place in her own home state. Each state will progress only as much as the people in it; if you find yourself surrounded by people so backward socially and politically that you can’t put forth a PG-13 rated paragraph, then perhaps it is you who is at fault for living in a place you know you can’t tolerate.

    I appreciate righteous indignation, properly delivered political outrage, and intelligent discourse. From all sides. But to put the whole state on NC-17 rated blast while positioning yourself as one of the rational few…well, while we all got a good chuckle out of your creativity, it certainly undermines the serious points you may have tried to make.

  2. madchenjenn says:

    Fo’ shizzle…keepin’ it 100.