Scrolling through the recent petitions on WhiteHouse.org is like peering into the meth-adled brain of a nation riddled with delusion and slopped in grammatical folly. And those are the serious ones.
While allowing Americans a virtual platform to voice their concerns and suggestions is honorable in theory, there is actually a sound reason why Joe the Plumber and Nancy the Nail Tech aren’t invited to yell in the well of the Senate: They’re idiots.
Our Forefathers created a “more perfect” structure of governance, and though it often runs imperfectly, the last thing the U.S. needs is to listen to people who should remain mute — and, for that matter, moot. It would all be good and well if the White House didn’t agree to respond to any petition that receives 25,000 signatures, a paltry number once you realize there is no vetting process to sign one. In fact, it seems that anyone with a computer may participate, even with a fake identity.
The administration maintains the right to raise the threshold of the petition, which is cold comfort since the free-for-all concept itself is less than dignified. And what exactly will the White House say to the petitioners who are demanding the government “Direct the United States Mint to make a single platinum trillion dollar coin!”? So far, they already have 3,859 people thinking this is a swell idea. Time to get crackin’, Mr. President.
And if you thought for a moment that the secessionist petitions following President Obama’s decisive re-election in November were absurd, you have only scratched the surface. Below are the five most ridiculous petitions we found on the White House website — at least for now. The day is young.
Maestro, if you please: Let the cacophony of crazies commence. (Note: The following rantings are unvarnished, and unedited. We have, however, taken the liberty of red-penning typos, select grammatical errors, and misspelling because we simply can’t control ourselves.)
5. “…Publicly admit and disclose all information about extra-terrestrial beings, our true history, and peaceful technologies.”
Created by “Gregory D” of Peekskill, New York, on January 01, 2013. Total Signatures: 253
“Admitting the existence of peaceful humans and non-humans will allow for a golden age of peace, prosperity, health, and abundance for all humans on Earth.
Many government officials indluding former intelligence personnel have come forward and offered to testify their experience with UFOs and extra terrestrials before congress.Public disclosure and cooperation with peaceful beings will provide us with untold benefits including but not limited to:
1. Free and clean energy
2. Proper education and world history
3. Advanced healing and healthcare technologies
4. World peace
Imagine a world with no polution, little or no sickness or disease, no more fear of war or violence…. Why continue the cover-up? The secrets? It is 2013. We know better. It is time to unite. We are all one.”
What does “Proper education and world history” mean exactly? And how does acknowledging extraterrestrials actually cure disease and erase global conflicts? We seriously think someone needs to create a petition for Gregory P. to get laid. That boy ain’t right.
4. “…demand justice for police killing our family pet!“
Created by “Stacy F” of Baltimore, Maryland, on January 03, 2013. Total Signatures: 774
My name is Stacy Fields & on New Years day police entered our fenced yard in pursuit of a suspect. Our family pet, Kincaid, went out to find out what was going on & was confronted by an officer with his gun pulled. Kincaid proceeded to bark at the officer which caught my step fathers attention. When he exited the house the officer told him to get Kincaid. When my step father bent to get Kincaid the officer opened fire. He shoot 6 times, he hit Kincaid 3 of those times. As I said, my step father was inches away & very well could have been shoot too!”
If this actually occurred, it’s a travesty without a doubt, but how necessary is it to get the President of the United States involved in Kincaid’s senseless snuffing? And what exactly did English ever do to Stacy Fields to make her abuse it so? The above diatribe has inspired us to petition the U.S. government to limit ampersand abuse. You’re welcome, America.
3. “…Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.”
Created by “John D” of Longmont, Colorado, on November 14, 2012. Total Signatures: 33.650
Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.
By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.”
We are particularly pleased by the ballsy deadline in this one. We would also like to thank John D for his use of the Oxford Comma.
2. “…Ban Dianne Feinstein.”
Created by “Jason V” of Aubrey, Texas, on December 27, 2012. Total Signatures: 10, 417
United States Senator Dianne Feinstein has proven today, as she has in the past, that she has absolutely no intention of keeping her oath of office to defend the U.S. Constitution, and specifically, the 2nd Amendment. She has call for banning, registering, and confiscating millions of firearms used my law abiding Americans every day. We therefore demand that Dianne Feinstein be immediately banned from the United States Senate and that she be prohibited from ever again holding public office in the United States of America.”
Jason, you need to hook up with that “extra-terrestrials” guy from Peekskill and find yourself a nice hooker.
1. “…authorize the production of a recurring television program featuring Vice President Joe Biden”
Created by “Nathan B” of Washington, DC, on January 04, 2013. Total Signatures: 1,061
Vice President Joe Biden has a demonstrated ability to bring people together, whether at the negotiating table or at the neighborhood diner. We, therefore, urge the Obama Administration to authorize the production of a recurring C-SPAN television program featuring the daily activities and interactions of the Vice President with elected officials, foreign dignitaries and everyday American families. Such a program would educate the American public about the duties and responsibilities of their Vice President, while providing a glimpse of the lighthearted side of politics even in the midst of contentious and divisive national debates.”
Admit it: you are so dying to see this. We actually signed this one.