Five Things We Can’t Believe Exists – Vol. 17

| November 9, 2012

1. Vine Smoothie
From the country that gave the world Rembrandt, wooden shoes, fine chocolates, and tulips (no they didn’t ), comes this milky fruity wine beverage inspired by strawberry-flavored Malox and ass. These Dutch imports are now being used in conjunction with the U.S. penal system as an alternative form of execution.


2. The Cindy Ashtray
This French-designed invention separates cigarette butts while allowing the cigarette ashes to be sifted downward through the center pipe to the potted plant below, thus making the smoker feel better about helping the environment.

This thing is a magnet for assholes. That guy on the right had better not ever quit smoking because if he’s that paunchy in his twenties then God help him when he hits forty. He also has a beard like Bluto from Popeye. Furthermore, we hate that bastard on the left and would love nothing more than to slap that stupid hipster hat off his head.


3. This Brilliant Building
Singapore’s five-story  School of Art, Design, and Media at Nanyang Technological University is a masterpiece of “green” architecture. Opponents claim the building is green in shade only and is anything but eco-firendly and to that we say: It’s brilliant. Who cares?


4. These New Pringles Flavors
This is what happens when you hire people who want to kill you and burn your business to the ground. Pringles is known for their inventive and often daring flavors (especially in Asia where “Indonesian Satay,” “Thai Grilled Chicken,” “Grilled Shrimp,” and “Seaweed”  are surprisingly delicious) but a white chocolate/peppermint-flavored potato chip does not need to exist. Meanwhile, every autumn in the United States, the entire nation is ablaze with the gustatory holocaust known as “let’s ‘pumpkin pie spice’ every damn thing in sight.”

Mr. Pringles does not have a mouth for a reason.



5. Josmar  Gerona
Spain’s most curious pop star’s origins are legendary. In the early 1970s in a posh tapas bar in Barcelona, Arianna Huffington had an abortion and threw it in the trash. Drunk gypsy children, being children, found it and brought it back to life by way of black magic. When the gypsies realized that baby Josmar was trying to “sing,” however, they promptly threw it in the trash. Three days later, baby Josmar was discovered on a highway and later adopted by fabulous gay wolves. Sadly, when the gay wolves noticed baby Josmar trying to dance they, naturally, threw it in the trash where it was discovered by a band of illiterate drag queens who believed baby Josmar was an actual god.

Today Josmar is all grown up and lighting up the dance floors in every rural gay bar and nursing home in Spain. People who don’t have electricity or common sense flock to see Josmar’s magical dance moves and proclaim him the most beautiful woman in the world after the Duchess of Alba.

We totally dare you to click on this link and watch Josmar singlehandedly kill music.

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Category: Can't Believe Exist, Featured

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