A Bipartisan Agreement: Five Things No One Misses From the 2012 Election Season

| November 7, 2012

The confetti’s been swept up, and the tear-soaked tissues flushed away, and now it’s time to come back together as a nation and revel in the five things we pretty much all agree that we will not miss about this election season.


1. Political Facebook Foes
Avoiding people who were voicing their opposing views on Facebook has been not unlike tap dancing around a political minefield.

When you “liked” a pro-Obama graphic, your anti-Obama aunt followed the trail to the image’s source and wrote some decidedly unfavorable commentary about Obama and you were able to read it. The following day your aunt “liked” a Fox News article and you lost your mind. And now Thanksgiving’s around the corner.

In hindsight the most strident and confrontational person in your news feed may have actually been you, so now’s your time to start posting photos of puppies wearing Beatles wigs and plates of chocolate cupcakes and images of rainbows with butchered quotes from Helen Steiner Ross (also known as the “Ambassador of Sunshine;” we’re not kidding).

2.Emails From Candidates Seeking Donations.
If you’ve ever made the mistake of donating money directly to your candidate’s website and including your actual email, you have lived to regret it.

Daily, then it seemed hourly, as the campaigns neared the finish line, cleverly titled emails from myriad characters within the campaign filled out email accounts with pleas for funds. And like an idiot every now and then we’d open one — just in case. Obama began a few of his communiqués with “Hey,” while Joe Biden’s solicited with “Friend” or “Listen!” Two months ago the Democrats even pimped out Sandra Fluke to write an email, which of course we read since we heard she was a total slut.

3. Governor Romney
While it’s safe to say that all Republicans dreamed of an Obama defeat, not nearly as many of them dreamed of a Romney presidency.

The contentious G.O.P. primaries whittled away the governor’s allies as the weekly “not-Romney” rose in the polls and the Republicans thought they’d finally found their darling. The following week it was a different not-Romney flavor until the only not-flavor that was left was the president.

In politics, voting against the opposition is not enough. Democrats decried President G.W. Bush’s polices in 2004 as vehemently as did many Republicans who disdained Obama’s positions. And eight years ago our not-Bush was swept away.

Throughout election night coverage, Fox News repeatedly called states for Obama sooner than CNN and MSNBC and even announced that the president had won reelection one minute before any other news channel. And in the aftermath of the G.O.P defeat, CNN’s resident Republican talking-head, Ana Navarro, said: “Mitt Romney lost this race in the primary. He self-deported from the White House.”

And in the wake of Hurricane Sandy and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s effusive praise for Obama, many G.O.P. pundits wondered if the governor — suspecting Romney would be defeated — was laying the foundation for his run in 2016. Not only was the New Jersey governor a favorite within the Republican Party, but Christie’s ability to work alongside a Democratic president in a time of crisis could, in four years’ time, be a very big feather in his very, very, very, large cap.


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4. Thomas Peterffy
Whether you actually believe the Hungarian-born businessman’s cautionary tale of a Socialist dystopia or not, the one thing we can all agree on is that repeated viewing of the billionaire’s pro-G.O.P. ad drove even people who agreed with him to the brink of insanity.

When Peterffy, who was born in a Communist — not Socialist — Eastern-block country, came to the United States in 1965 he didn’t speak a lick of English, and by God, forty-seven years later Americans still can’t understand half of what comes out of this bastard’s mouth.

The creepiest aspect of the commercial? Petterfy talking about his nasty-ass “fuhn-ta-sizing” about coming to America made Americans’ flesh rot.

The fact that, according to CNN, Peterffy spent $5-$10 million of his own money on the ad, which even ran in the guaranteed blue state of New York twenty times every ten minutes, is proof positive that Thomas Peterffy is an idiot.

5. ‘I’m Movin’ to Canada!’
Nervous voters from all political affiliations love to threaten to “move to Canada” if their candidate loses during every presidential election cycle and those with short-term memory loss even yell they’re moving northward during midterms.

The upside to the cacophony of despondent voters burping that they’re moving to Canada is when they realize that moving to Canada means that they’d actually have to live in Canada. Our Republican friends have already snapped out of that threat this year when they realized that their legally married homosexual neighbors all receive socialized healthcare.

It seems, even for the detractors, the United States is still the best country on Earth even when the opposition is in power. At least until 2016.

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Comments (5)

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  1. Stephanie Wilkins says:

    Brava! Love it!

  2. Nora says:

    Oh my God!Could you please start an “I Hate Thomas Peterffy” Facebook page? That was efffing hilarious!!!

    • Steve says:

      Really. Listening to that freaking Nazi comparing this country to a Soviet era east block country was almost more than I could stand. Love the idea of a FB page ranking the guy out.

  3. Katie Dancer says:

    Please! And the move to Canada. Sorry, unless you have buckets of money, they do not want you there.

  4. Mary says:

    Actually, my husband and I seriously discussed moving to Canada if Romney had been elected. My son and daughter in law were looking at Australia.

    Funny thing about that. Both countries have national health care. Wonder if all those folks who were against that, and now plan to move north, are aware of that. Hehehe