Of Mitt and Mormons: ‘God Bless America, [Promised] Land That I Love…’

| October 25, 2012


You wouldn’t turn off a rerun of The Donny and Marie Show because of their religion, and it’d be blasphemous not to bend an ear toward the vocal stirrings of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir because of it. And just as your choice of wholesome aural fare shouldn’t be affected by someone’s beliefs, your presidential predilections shouldn’t be swayed by a candidate’s faith either.

Our forefathers fled religious persecution, and many gave their lives so they could worship as they choose. And fifty-four years after penning those inalienable rights, the American palette of religions would include a new shade of colorful converts who believed that it was the will of their “Heavenly Father” to abundantly procreate — so when they shuffle off their mortal coils and enter the “Celestial Kingdom,” each family’s personal planet would be sufficiently populated.

But such was the chafing case of the Laws of God not being in accordance with the Laws of Caesar, so many Latter-day Saints packed up their wagons and headed south of the border, not unlike the current presidential contender’s great-grandfather who loaded up his twelve lovely brides and moved to Mexico.

While the earthly polygamous traditions have long been banned by their church, Mormons are content knowing that once they are in the Celestial Kingdom, gods (as they become in the Hereafter) are able to take on any predeceased wives and “raise up seed.” Blessed with magical uteruses — and, we hope, expert Kegel-ing skills — these goddesses are to submit and bear their gods spirit babies for eternity.

Ever since our nation was born, preachers and presidents have called our country a metaphorical Promised Land, but if the G.O.P. wins sway, the new president will be the first to believe it literally. After all, even a baby knows that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri — well, at least a spirit baby knows it.

Americans need to focus on the issues at hand, and not concern themselves with mental images of White House occupants running around in magic underpants while busting up liquor cabinets faster than Carrie Nation at a Kennedy wake in Hyannis Port.

Easter egg hunts and Christmas parties would certainly continue, however, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. And, as a matter of fact, if the Grand Old Party has its way, there will be even more grand old parties at the White House; every May 15th, they’ll be kicking up their heels and clicking their milk cups in the Blue Room celebrating the day the resurrected John the Baptist, in the flesh, visited Joseph Smith 183 years ago. In Pennsylvania. That’s almost as nuts as people believing that a man named Jonah lived in a live whale for three days. Oh, wait a minute.

The fetes for Black History Month might not be as much fun as in years past (at least for the old folks) since according to 1 Nephi 12:23, people with dark skin are a “loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations.” In 1978, God had a change of heart and decided that he’s cool with black folks, and no longer sees them as “uncouth, uncomely” or “disagreeable.”  It seems God is forever changing his mind on issues and how he feels about people and reversing his policies.  Sound familiar?

Mormonism is a religion that, thanks to HBO’s Big Love and Broadway’s Book of Mormon, the average American is learning more about every day. And yet many citizens don’t know any Mormons personally. That is, they think they don’t. In fact, your deceased grandparents may be Mormons at this very moment via a ceremony of baptism-by-proxy. And this religious dispensation isn’t just for the goyim anymore: Think Bubbe and Zayde are immune from Mormonism post mortem? Not so fast: even Anne Frank’s a Mormon now. Oy, gevalt.  What’s next? People eating crackers and drinking grape juice at some sort of religious ceremony? Now that’s just crazy talk.

While many other Christian sects raise an eyebrow to some aspects of the Mormon-brand of Christianity, they’d be wise not to assume that all followers of Joseph Smith’s church are political sheep. Think all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are voting for Governor Romney? Think again; the largest newspaper in the Mormon Mecca of Utah, the Salt Lake Tribune, has endorsed President Obama. Even the second most famous Mormon in the world, Marie Osmond, refused to endorse Romney last week when she appeared on CNN’s Piers Morgan show.

There is no room for religious intolerance in this country and electing a Mormon president shouldn’t worry Americans (unless of course it’s the current presidential contender). After all, our  founding father George Washington was actually a Mormon. Well, at least he is now.


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Comments (5)

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  1. Buck Jones says:

    This was a great piece of writing. I used to think that the Mormons were a bit crazy because of all of the weird and fantastic fairy tales they believed. But then I had to remember, oh yeah, there’s the whole Christian cupboard of crazy crazy crazy shit as well.

  2. Gary says:

    One thing in particular that is incorrect here is the statement, “Our forefathers fled religious persecution.” This statment bothers me beause that is the same thing the religious Right claims, and they use that to promote religion-based government. The Puritans fled religious intolerence in England in the 1600s but the Puritans were only one of the many groups of people who came to N.America from Europe. There were many other English, French, Spanish, Dutch, Germans, etc. who came to America seeking prosperity. Many more were endentured servants so they had no choice but to follow their masters here. Then of course, there are the Africans who certainly didn’t come here by choice.

    • C says:

      Well, it’s even more complicated than that. The Puritan’s emigration reasons were closer to the ideas of the Religious Right today. They left England because they were being persecuted there, true. But they went to Denmark first. Denmark had complete religious freedom at the time so they were able to practice in peace. Their only problem? They couldn’t force everyone else to practice their way! So they packed up and headed to the New World where they could make their OWN country and force everyone to live by THEIR rules. And now you know where those whack jobs really get their ideas about us being a “Christian Nation.”

  3. steven says:

    How about the people who were already here? Our religious freedoms were taken away. the government decides who is or isn’t Native American and keeps us from our religious artifacts and sacred places. the colonials fled from persecution to our land and persecute us.

  4. dane says:

    @Gary, they were all escaping from the Church of England. Read up on it. It was a huge political mess of religious persecution, and a reason FOR separation of Church and State. The GOP just scrambles up bits of history with their ideology, knowing that their sheep will not bother second guessing them or digging for the rest of the story that was censored from the Fox tales.