Five Things We Can’t Believe Exist — Vol. 16

| October 19, 2012 | 1 Comment

1. Like-A-Hug Facebook Vest
Designed by MIT student Melissa Kit Chow, the Like-A-Hug vest inflates when a friend “likes” a photo or status on the wearer’s Facebook page. To return the hug, simply deflate the garment, by hugging it back, and the “liker” feels the love in return.  Post a photo of kittens eating a rainbow-colored birthday cake and you could actually get hugged to death. We’re more interested in learning how painful Defriend-A-Douche underpants would feel.

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2. Molecule: A Tap Water Boutique
Just when you thought that white folks’ problems couldn’t get any more asinine, there’s Molecule using a $25,000 machine to purify some of the already best-rated tap water in the United States. Located in New York City’s East Village, the boutique sells water for $2.50 a bottle. While we enjoy the various etched fonts on their window that spell out everything the water doesn’t have, we wish there was another window that said what their customers don’t have: any damn sense. Molecule’s Adam Ruhf  defends this company’s product:

“I don’t want chemicals in my water. I don’t even want chlorine in my water. Chlorine is like bleach. Do you want to drink bleach?”

Yes, please. But wait, there’s more! This fancy-ass watering hole also features:

“a weekly naming ceremony to imbue its water with personality and Sunday blessings involving religious figures from all faiths, including Tibetan monks and pagan worshipers.”

You know what? I’d like to imbue my motherfucking foot up this place’s ass.

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3. This Wireless Keyboard
Designed by Robbie Tilton, this wood and moss-covered wireless keyboard for Apple is equal parts ridiculous and terrific — so much so that we actually feel compelled to make up a new word for it right now: Ridific. You’re welcome.

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4. Nicomimi Brainwave Cat Ears
Are you a white girl who’s always dreamed of sleeping with a gay Japanese guy? Well, by God, the good folks at Nicomimi have got you covered! These $99.95 movable cat ears respond to your brainwaves and act as an extension to your own body. Focused? Your ears point upwards. Excited? Your ears will twitch from side to side. Despondent or tired? Your ears will turn downward.  Now you’ll never be able to hide your true emotions and neither will your gay Japanese boyfriend when he sees leather-chapped hustlers.

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5. This Delightful Home Accessory
This wonderful addition to any home features the image of charming milk-eyed terrorist Abu Hamza and his sexy hook hands.  Recently extradited to the U.S., just in time for Halloween, Hamza has arrived stateside to serve a life sentence for various terrorist operations. Hamza preached to such luminaries in the terror world as Zacarias Moussaoui and the Shoe Bomber while at London’s  Finsbury Park mosque, which a U.K. terror expert referred to a  “honeypot for extremists.” We don’t know about you, ladies, but when we think of this one-eyed crazy hookman the next word we think of is “honeypot.”

 

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  1. Megan says:

    God damn do I love you guys! I knew where I needed to go for a little hilarious pick-me-up and I was right! Nothing does say honeypot quite like that cloudy-eyed, hook man!

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