Five Things We Can’t Believe Exist — Vol.15

| September 28, 2012 | 1 Comment

1. Bagel Heads
When a fan sent us the Bagel Head press release, we were convinced it was a hoax — then we read the word, “Japan.” Featured this week on the National Geographic program, “Taboo,” the documentary shows people being connected with intravenous drips for several hours while about half-a-cupful of saline solution is pumped into their stupid foreheads.  Once filled, the injector then smashes his thumb into the center, creating the effect that some idiot had just slid an entire bagel inside their heads. What these people need is a hobby, like popping open cab doors at top speed and knocking down pedestrians (a personal favorite) or eating live babies  — you know, like normal people.  This lovely form of body modification only lasts a day or so before the body absorbs all the salt water. Practitioners warn that people with high blood pressure should not get bagel headed. Sorry, Abe Vigoda.

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2. Pointy Boots
This ridiculous footwear is especially popular in Matehuala, Mexico where men with the longest points are pseudo-celebrities. They even entertain, if you can call it that, in public. At the beginning of sporting events a gaggle of pointed wonders duck-walk  into arenas and perform a sort of warm-up act and “dance,” which is not unlike watching a dizzy mouth-breathing toddler knee-bend-dance while trying to pick up a French fry.

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3.  God-Jesus Robot
Why bother with gypsy fortunetellers, tarot cards, and busted Magic-8 balls when you can solve all your life’s mysteries with Japan’s very own battery-operated soothsayer.  Pretty much all God-Jesus Robot was good for was rolling forward and back and shaking his head to the left or right in response to your query. But who cares? God-Jesus Robot is worth it solely for his insensitive moniker and brandishing cross. “So, can I still buy a God-Jesus Robot, God-Jesus Robot?” Sadly, God-Jesus Robot’s fifty/fifty chances of getting the answer right doesn’t matter anymore; God-Jesus Robots are no longer in production.

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4.  Mrs. Brown
We spotted this at Siam Paragon Mall in Bangkok recently and when we remarked to the sales girl how shocked we were by this lady sambo image, she simply smiled and said, “Oh yes, it’s a shock, so delicious.” Mrs. Brown looks as much like a black lady as Yul Brynner, in yellowface, looked like a Thai man* – wait, now we get it: this is retribution for The King and I*.

(*As an aside, the musical based on the supposed love affair between Anna Leonowens and King Rama IV is still banned in the Kingdom of Thailand. But cookies being sold with offensive blackface cartoons? Apparently, shockingly delicious.)

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5.  Justice Coin
The infomercial for this numismatics’ nightmare is beamed into sad home across our great land late at night and pitched to people who don’t understand that this is “patriotic” profiteering at its lowest point.  Nothing quite says, “I love America” like making a buck off the deaths of over 3,000 people.  This  gold-toned and silver-toned display of bipartisanship is bringing the country together again and this time we hope it’s to beat the living shit out of the people who invented this “coin.”

The video begins with a person looking across the river at the smoke rising from the collapsed World Trade Towers while an ominous voice-over booms  “September 11th, 2001. The terrible events of that day will live in infamy…”.  The obverse of the coin features U.S. Navy Seals with the quote, ” You can run but you cannot hide,” while the reverse shows an image of the World Trade Center and “…Justice has been done.”

Naturally a product like this comes with many “free” extras, such as a plastic case to protect your keepsake, a gold pin and a “Top Secret” military briefing packet. And though the “value” of this grab bag is set at $260 (based on what, we have no idea), if you act now you can have it for the low-low price of $19.95. (One can only assume that the profits are so slim for this selfless company that there’s simply not a penny left for victims’ families or memorial funds.)

If there are any faux-silver linings to this trinket’s dark cloud, they’re the reviews of  people who’ve actually purchased it and the product’s two-out-of-five stars on the website  TVinfomercialReviews.org. If you can get past the misspellings and grammatical errors and are able to make sense of these comments then you are in for a treat. “Greg,” a U.S. veteran, is up in arms and warns others not to purchase the coins:

“They say that they are also giving you a military briefing pack from the Navy SEAL mission. NOT possible. That kind of stuff is highly classified and the military would not release that kind of stuff, and it does not look like a pamphlet as it does in the commercial.”

We’re actually going to disagree with Greg here . People who are so stupid that they believe they’re buying classified military dossiers from an infomercial deserve to be ripped off.

“Sally,” however, is undaunted and writes that she’s going to buy it to remind her of that day when “we came together as a country.”  We honestly think Sally would be better off getting bagel-headed, fucking a Mexican wearing three-foot-long pointy boots, and asking God-Jesus Robot to solve all her life’s problems.

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Category: Can't Believe Exist, Featured, Gawk

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  1. Kickassery says:

    I’m still choking over “Sally.” This is my new favorite column in the entire world F*cking hilarious!

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