1. This ’18 Again’ Commercial
Yes, the country where it’s illegal for couples to actually kiss on screen, now brings us this terrific Bollywood-style commercial for a vaginal tightening cream. Why bother with Kegel exercises when chemicals can do the work for you? Now slags with wizard-sleeve vaginas can feel like a virgin again. Congratulations!
2. Candy Corn Oreo Cookies
From Nabisco’s gustatory gulag comes a horrifying Halloweeny treats that’s still on the shelves of the Fine Fare a full eight months after they debuted. Without Candy Corn’s iconic visual appeal, and accompanying food-playing antics (shoving two of them under your upper lip while roaring that you’re a vampire), the consumer is left with a taste of wax, granulated sugar, and tooth decay. The term “limited edition” almost feels like an apology — one which we will not accept.
3. Basahi Horse Meat Ice Cream
This frozen equine confection proves, with a doubt, that the product development team at Bashi is mentally ill. We’re not positive but we’re pretty sure that when Ann Romney’s horse didn’t medal at the Olympics they made her loser pet into a sundae. Don’t quote us on that, but we’re pretty sure.
Could there possibly be a culinary offense more horrifying that this, you ask? Yes. The Japanese have now invented a process that re-purposes human waste for human consumption. (Please, do not click here for the video or you will kill yourself.)
4. Lap Pillows
After being told that you just ate a scoop of horse meat ice cream, or one of those new curious sandwiches, this is where you should rest your head to puke your guts out.
5. This Stupid Pile of Sand
This $30,000, twenty-five-foot-tall cat shit box greeted conventioneers last summer to the Democratic National Convention. Paid for by the tourism bureau of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, this sand sculpture is not, as many have assumed, an image of Nippy Russell choking on his own vomit — rather the good people of the White Trash Riviera claim their intention was to create a likeness of President Obama. This is an excellent example of what happens when a state does not receive its fair share of arts funding. We think that clay sculpture of Lionel Richie that the blind girl made looks more like the president. Hello?