Words You Should Never Say In Restaurants

| September 1, 2012 | 9 Comments

Foodie Magazine

 

People with the most tenuous vocabularies run with funified terms like a sugar-fueled spaz with a pair of scissors at a baby shower. Encouraged by the hilarity of this bastardization of communication, armies of Audio Abbreviators (see number three), and cackling Mispronunciators (see following paragraph) gleefully run roughshod over everything we were taught in school.

Imagine, for a moment, what a Target employee suffers through as knee-slapping customers, barely able to catch their breaths, hardy-har-har “Tar-zhay!” in every aisle, at every checkout, in everything restroom, at every hot dog stand, every second of every day — why it’s enough to make you want to punch yourself in your baby bump.

In the time it’s taken you to read the previous two paragraphs linguistic lawlessness is killing the souls of hundreds of unsuspecting restaurant workers who are smiling through the pain like they’ve got a mouthful of rancid pork.

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1. Foodie. [noun]
An infantilized word that people invented because they can’t pronounce “gourmand.” Foodies take great pride in announcing to everyone in earshot that they are, in point of fact, “foodies,” and they expect you to be as impressed by this moniker as they are. Foodies are simply thrilled that they can combine two things people had previously never considered blending together: eating and talking. They will often wax poetic about the gastronomic heydays of Beefsteak Charlie’s, and will flick away the restaurant staff with raised brow and a curled lip as they slowly chew their first sip of milk.

 

2. Rezzie [noun]
Slang for reservation. This is a term generally, and shamelessly, used by puffy, adult Caucasian heterosexual males. It is normally said with a bug-eyed, baby-faced frown, i.e., “Ah-oh, don’t hate us. We don’t have a rezzie tonight! Ha! Ha! Ha! Rezzies!” This makes all living things within earshot feel equal parts sad and sick.

 

3. Som [noun]
Abbreviation for sommelier, i.e., “Is the som here? We’re interested in a light, full-bodied, dry, fruit-forward Super-Tuscan from Germany, with a lingering crisp finish. And we only like wines that get twenty-four hours of shady direct sun!” If pronouncing sommelier is difficult, then simply ask for the “wine person,” but whatever you do, please don’t speak in abreeves.

 

4. Calorie-Free [adjective]
Every time you chortle, “And that’s a calorie-free dessert, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Calorie free! Christ, that’s funny!” a waiter is caught disemboweling himself in the coffee station.

 

5. Orgasmic [adjective]
This word is generally screeched in reference to the taste of a chocolate dessert and always by people who have not been laid in at least a quarter-century. If the menu describes the dessert as “molten” or “lava,” you’re simply asking for trouble; if this seductive little whore of a dessert’s title is preceded by “Death by,” you should leave the restaurant at once. The upside is that murdering guests who scream “orgasmic” is justifiable homicide as is evidenced by their follow-up statement that the  dessert is indeed “to die for! Ha! Ha! Wooo! Yeah!”

Kill me.

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Category: Consume, Uncategorized

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  1. Megan says:

    Disembowling themselves at the coffee station! Yes! You mustn’t forget the most commonly employed joke by diners when they’re plate is nearly licked clean- “We hated it!” Guffaw!

  2. Adam says:

    I could hardly agree more re: “foodie,” and its use fills me with scorn and murdery feelings. But so does “gourmand.” I understand what is meant when it is said but I can’t get my head around the primary definition of that word, which is, essentially, “glutton”.

    gour·mand/go͝orˈmänd/
    Noun:

    A person who enjoys eating and often eats too much.

    I think there needs to be a third option. I just can’t think of what it could be, other than “gourmet,” but that word was murdered in the 80s.

  3. jackson says:

    when i was young, i had regular customers who always ordered the specials and sent compliments to the kitchen. One night, the owner told me to go meet them- i was so nervous and excited that these obviously discerning people wanted to meet me. i went to the table; they were lovely people, really. And then the gentleman said, ” you know, my wife and I are real gorm ands.” Real buzzkill.

  4. What I don’t understand about “foodie” is the implication that the rest of us spend our evenings with our faces in a trough or chomping mindlessly from a hay sack.

    The first time I heard “somms” I though the girl in question was saying talking about “psalms.” I wish she had been.

    For number five, see also “indulgent” and “sinful”. When desserts are routinely labeled with such adjectives it’s no wonder this country’s relationship with food is utterly fucked up.

    I’m surprised none of those so-called nouveau allergies didn’t make this list…

  5. Roy Pietrinferni says:

    Bravo!!!!!!!!, thank you
    I just peed my pants

  6. LuLoo says:

    I had a lady stop me and ask me to bring her a “Cab”……………..huh, we’re on a Riverboat.

    Hee Haw

  7. Boite en Bois says:

    I just spat my water out on the floor — this is effing awesome!!!

  8. myyellowlabfan says:

    I worked for a mid-size daily newspaper as a Classified ad rep for 15 years, and one day, the powers that were decided that we would offer “free ads” to people selling items under $200, as a way of “growing our circulation”… Naturally, our ancient customer base glommed on to this gimmick and forever after referred to these ads as “freebies” – I cringe as I type that horrible word which was triumphantly trumpeted into my ears at least 20 times a day…

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