People with the most tenuous vocabularies run with funified terms like a sugar-fueled spaz with a pair of scissors at a baby shower. Encouraged by the hilarity of this bastardization of communication, armies of Audio Abbreviators (see number three), and cackling Mispronunciators (see following paragraph) gleefully run roughshod over everything we were taught in school.
Imagine, for a moment, what a Target employee suffers through as knee-slapping customers, barely able to catch their breaths, hardy-har-har “Tar-zhay!” in every aisle, at every checkout, in everything restroom, at every hot dog stand, every second of every day — why it’s enough to make you want to punch yourself in your baby bump.
In the time it’s taken you to read the previous two paragraphs linguistic lawlessness is killing the souls of hundreds of unsuspecting restaurant workers who are smiling through the pain like they’ve got a mouthful of rancid pork.
1. Foodie. [noun]
An infantilized word that people invented because they can’t pronounce “gourmand.” Foodies take great pride in announcing to everyone in earshot that they are, in point of fact, “foodies,” and they expect you to be as impressed by this moniker as they are. Foodies are simply thrilled that they can combine two things people had previously never considered blending together: eating and talking. They will often wax poetic about the gastronomic heydays of Beefsteak Charlie’s, and will flick away the restaurant staff with raised brow and a curled lip as they slowly chew their first sip of milk.
2. Rezzie [noun]
Slang for reservation. This is a term generally, and shamelessly, used by puffy, adult Caucasian heterosexual males. It is normally said with a bug-eyed, baby-faced frown, i.e., “Ah-oh, don’t hate us. We don’t have a rezzie tonight! Ha! Ha! Ha! Rezzies!” This makes all living things within earshot feel equal parts sad and sick.
3. Som [noun]
Abbreviation for sommelier, i.e., “Is the som here? We’re interested in a light, full-bodied, dry, fruit-forward Super-Tuscan from Germany, with a lingering crisp finish. And we only like wines that get twenty-four hours of shady direct sun!” If pronouncing sommelier is difficult, then simply ask for the “wine person,” but whatever you do, please don’t speak in abreeves.
4. Calorie-Free [adjective]
Every time you chortle, “And that’s a calorie-free dessert, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Calorie free! Christ, that’s funny!” a waiter is caught disemboweling himself in the coffee station.
5. Orgasmic [adjective]
This word is generally screeched in reference to the taste of a chocolate dessert and always by people who have not been laid in at least a quarter-century. If the menu describes the dessert as “molten” or “lava,” you’re simply asking for trouble; if this seductive little whore of a dessert’s title is preceded by “Death by,” you should leave the restaurant at once. The upside is that murdering guests who scream “orgasmic” is justifiable homicide as is evidenced by their follow-up statement that the dessert is indeed “to die for! Ha! Ha! Wooo! Yeah!”