Today we came across a particularly passionate open letter to Mitt Romney, charmingly titled, “From a Black Man to Mitt Romney: Fuck You.” The author’s nom de plume is Eric the Fuck-up, or more discreetly “etfp,” if there are children or sensitive old folks in the room. We know very little of this Chicagoan who summarizes himself on Twitter as a twenty-five-year veteran of craft services (on porn sets), a cat rancher, and a biochemist — but frankly we don’t give a shit; this letter is just that terrific.
Without further ado we offer you this unvarnished — sans sics, hyphens, and editorializing, all-raw — modern-day soliloquy:
Black people don’t want free shit, you out of touch Dr. Reed Richards hair having motherfucker.
We want the same shit that your white constituency wants: Opportunity, good schools, safe streets, JOBS, a house that doesn’t fucking double and triple in interest rate while the value plummets, a place to shit with a door on it and the ability to not be denied coverage when we have a medical problem. We’re no different than anybody else but you wouldn’t know that because the only black person you probably know personally you just happen to be running against him for president.
I’m tired of these piece of shit Republicans talking DOWN and whitesplaining to people of color AS IF they had it hard all their lives. NO Mitt Romney, you never had to worry about the price of milk ever in your fucking life. You were raised with a silver spoon in your mouth and your father probably owned a silver spoon factory.
If you were really in touch, you’d talk about JOBS because we have a 14% unemployment rate in the black community but your party couldn’t pass a fart through cotton much less a fucking jobs bill. You’d talk about the safety net but we all know that you and Rand Paul are looking to take a pair of comically large shears to that motherfucker.
Instead you walk in front of the NAACP and talk PAST them and your message hits your goddamn racist, sexist, homophobic, bible thumping, hate ridden, against their own interest base that ignores when we spend half a million on cruise missiles but complain when they see somebody cashing an unemployment check that happens to own an iPhone. FUCK YOU.
I have a goddamn question for you, Willard:
What about your perpetually poor white voters in states like West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri and Louisiana that vote for you even though you give no fucking care about them. As long as you hammer on how black Obama is, how the liberals want to shoot their white women with abortion guns and the fact that gays want to marry your children they’ll continue voting for you. They staff your fucked up infantry and you’ve spent the past 60 years brainwashing them into thinking they deserve to get welfare checks but the second black people get them, it’s a problem.
Fuck you and your face. Fuck your hair. Fuck your party. Fuck Newt Gingrich and fuck the whole conservative movement that has allowed their side to turn into this giant self-eating mutated blob.
Partake in the finest selection of horse penises.