1.This Pyrotechnic Form of Patriotism
Nothing says “God bless America!” quite like an image of the forced relocation and subsequent deaths of 4,000 native American Indians. Perhaps next year we can decorate our homes and churches with bunting infused with the smallpox virus, and drape our magnolia trees with streamers to lynch our house pets. Well played, China.
2. This Device
Recommended for twenty minutes a day, the Hana Tsun Nose Straighter looks not only elegant, but it also appears to be the height of comfort with its plastic teeth that dig into either side of your nose. We know what some of you are thinking: “But that’s not nearly as terrific as the Japanese Mouth Exerciser from Vol. 07!” Sit down! We’ve tossed you a crumb at the bottom of this article. You’re welcome.
3. This Boat
An Austrian company is calling this the “world’s smallest man-made island” and they’re looking to sell it (and more like it) for 5.2 million euros ($6.2 million USD). It doesn’t have a motor but can be moored wherever you choose, which means it’s a stationary houseboat and calling it an island is like calling Kareem Abdul Jabbar a skyscraper. The Orso Islands’ press release was so exuberantly received throughout the oil-rich capitals of the Middle East that the chaffing sounds of Arabs feverishly masturbating were reportedly deafening.
4. Talking Urinal Cakes
Michigan State Police this past Fourth of July weekend began utilizing a rather bizarre tool in the fight against drunk driving: talking urinal cakes. Not only are the cakes being implemented in bars and restaurants around the state, they’re loquaciously bitchy to boot. Their motion-activated audio track, recorded in a woman’s voice, tells the restroom user, “Hey! Listen up. That’s right. I’m talking to you. Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many. Then do yourself and everyone else a favor. Call a sober friend or a cab. Oh, and don’t forget. Wash your hands.” So if you come across one of these chatty devices, remember to relax. It doesn’t mean you’re drunk. But if you are: heed the cake, damn it. What horrible acts of moral depravity must you be convicted of before being designated the person who has to change the batteries in these things?
So, what’s the women’s equivalent of a talking urinal cake? Hateful washroom attendants rolling their eyes and mumbling “Ay Dios mio” just because you dumped all her mints in your handbag and drank all her Scope.
5. Honda’s New UNI-CUB
Do you own a pale turquoise top, a pair of khakis (light or dark) and some mustard-colored moccasins? Think Segways are just too exhausting? Then try Honda’s answer to pure unadulterated laziness! We’re not saying these mobility devices are evil, but they have been spotted in some rather curious situations in the past: