1. Lip Stencils
You thought you had actually out-freaked us again, didn’t you, Japan? You thought we’d sit idly by while you took Helena Rubinstein’s vintage lip stencil and Hannibal Lecter’d it into a creepy mouth mask, did you? Well, think again, freakcakes, because that handsome gentleman on the left has been working some sloppy-ass lip maquetting since 1948, by God. Take that. you kitschy copycat.
2. All Nippon Airways Is Excruciatingly Chic
Oh, but wait. Is it not enough that their perfectly poised flight attendants change costumes for dinner service? Must they now flaunt their superiority by serving the world’s best desserts on their aircrafts, as well? Parisian patisserie god Pierre Hermé debuted his Japanese-inspired French desserts this month for first-class passengers and in September the lowly hoi polloi in business will get to enjoy these enviable in-flight treats. Well played, Japan. We now think less of ourselves.
3. These Jeans
Some people are calling them “skinny harem jeans,” while others are calling them “drop crotch jeans,” but we call them retarded. This may well be the perfect pant for storing your laptop or for marsupial-ing your infant to the market, but it certainly is anything but flattering. Fashion lemmings can thank Oak NYC for this latest sartorial “hammer time” holocaust, yet Bobbie Thomas of the Today show defends this trend saying “Fashion is always looking for ways to transform and shift shape,” which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s a stupid idiot.
4. These Things and the Controversy They Stirred
These shoes, designed by Jeremy Scott, and set to be “debuted” in August, sparked so much controversy that Adidas has decided to pull the $350 footwear. This aesthetic assault has become a magnet, not just for people with actual corneas, but also for people claiming that the shoes harken back to slavery. A columnist at Your Black World even goes so far to say that wearing shackles were never fully “documented in the history books and kept away from you in the educational system, all so you’d be willing to put shackles on your ankles today and not be so sensitive about it.” We believe this sort of frothing-at-the-mouth hyperbole is practically as absurd as these dumbass shoes, but frankly if that’s what it takes to keep them off the street then so be it — by any means necessary.
5. Hello Kitty Airlines
While Taiwan’s Eva Air has been in service for a few years now, they have just kitsch’d up two more Airbus 330-200s and added more routes. Each plane features a different theme from “Hello Kitty with Magic Stars!” to the curious “Hello Kitty Loves Apples,” which only makes sense: she is five apples tall and loves apple pie, of course. From hand sanitizers, to nuts packs, to Handi Wipes, to aprons, to carved fruit — everything features the image of the solicitous cat — including sushi. The airline’s check-in kiosks are so cheerfully emasculating that flight attendants suggest making sure your husband still has his dick before boarding.