Five Things We Can’t Believe Exist – Vol. 03

| May 15, 2012 | 1 Comment

1. SceneTap
Perhaps you haven’t heard of this new boîte browser, but it may already know who you are — via facial recognition scanners —  and it’s determining your age and gender and how many times you tip the pint. This downloadable smartphone app lets you scope out the bar scene before you even leave home, showing you the capacity/age/gender ratio in real time. Currently this system is analyzing your mug in Austin, Chicago, and San Francisco (and some other American towns we’ve never heard of).

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2. These Signs
Whether these how-to illustrations were initially intended as parody or not, we can assure you that an OBGYN office in New Delhi doesn’t think so: When one of our readers asked her doctor if the illustrations were supposed to be funny, she got a resounding, “Certainly not!”

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3. This Book
There’s no doubt that Kelly Killoren Bensimon is an attractive woman, but it’s her tautological ramblings on The Real Housewives of New York that made us pose the question (upon seeing the title),“Yes, but can she make us crazy?” Meanwhile, the maniacal mantra of her former co-star Ramona Singer keeps ringing in our ears every time the “supermodel’s” diet book is mentioned: “Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who! Cares? Oh, my God! Who cares?”

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(Photo: NY1)

4. Dan Eaton
Ask any New Yorker about NY1’s “Cooking at Home” and watch their eyes roll to the back of their skulls and their faces melt like those Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. As if his recipes weren’t bad enough (a ravioli dish that calls for — wait for it — store-bought cheese ravioli), there’s also his whispery sing-song voice, the likes of which has rarely been heard outside of a windowless van. When you’re not eying the Teflon pans that look as though they’ve been used for scratching out scores with an ice pick, you’re visually scouring the kitchen for gagged sex slaves — and the display of pottery that, of course, he makes himself with his [cough] wife.

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(Photo: Gucci)

5  Gucci’s City Collection
The ninety-one-year-old Italian fashion house is proving once again that it is no longer tethered to the sartorial dictates of its illustrious past, or for that matter the old-fashioned hiring practices of employing designers with eyes. From the catwalks to the perp walks, these fine leather goods are the newest de rigueur accessories for every armed robbery and drive-by this spring. And, for many people, this skyline’d footwear and handbag collection and will be the very last thing they see before having their heads blown off at the 7-Eleven.

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This Cat Totally Speaks French

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Category: Can't Believe Exist, Featured, Gawk

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  1. NY Wiseass says:

    I’m yours forever just because of this “last thing they see before having their heads blown off at the 7-Eleven.” And I don’t know who this Dan person is (we live in Fairbanks now — don’t ask) but when I come home for Christmas (back to NYC) I’m going to check this guy out and give you a full report. By the way, I just wasting half my day reading all these episodes — fucking hilarious (love the one about the cat who speaks French – crackup!)

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